(A disclaimer before proceeding: As anyone who has read my novel Mistaken Enemy knows, when it comes to politics I take no side—this article in the spirit of pure fun.)
Continuing its pledge to clean up America, The Trump Administration has declared war on fruits, beginning its campaign by protecting the wellness of our youth. The backlash has been unprecedentedly strong.
“Are you suggesting that by removing fruit from our schools’ menu, our children are going to be healthier?” reporter Miles Meekly harshly questioned a spokesperson for The Department of Education.
“Yes,” the women brashly answered, adding, “Look, let’s not panic. As time goes on and we’re able to do some additional studies we’ll revise the ban; you might then see kiwis or wheat berries taken off the banned list of dangerous substances.”
Meekly shook his head, unable to hold back a mocking chuckle as he not-so-meekly corrected the individual. “Wheat berries are not a fruit.”
“They are now! Anything else we need to talk about?” she rifled at the astonished interviewer.
Meekly squinted as if blinded by a light, one he recognized as anything other than divine.
Later we tried to gather more information on this breaking story by contacting the newly appointed cabinet member, the Secretary of Education. She was out of the office, as was her secretary. But the secretary to the secretary, a confident woman, immediately announced that her boss told her that her boss, the big boss, was bowling.
“Bowling?” questioned our reporter.
“I was notified that The Secretary wanted no questions raised regarding her being prejudice against round objects, especially fruits,” assuredly replied the secretary to the secretary.
“Not all fruits are round,” Doug Pitts, our second reporter on the story clarified.
“They are now!”
I’m thinking of bowling this weekend with a banana.